


I Want To Tell Him

by starbuckyy



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: 74th Hunger Games, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Book/Movie 1: The Hunger Games, Communication, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29805225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbuckyy/pseuds/starbuckyy
Summary: "I want to tell him he’s not being fair. That we were strangers. That I did what it took to stay alive, to keep us both alive in the arena. [...] That if I do have feelings for him, it doesn’t matter because I’ll never be able to afford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. And how can he? How can he after what we’ve just been through?" - The Hunger Games, chapter 27An alternate conversation outside the train where Katniss does tell Peeta what she thinks.
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	I Want To Tell Him

**Author's Note:**

> as An Autistic™, i always related to katniss struggling to work out what her feelings are, and also with her difficulty communicating them. at the same time the ending of the first book always drove me up the wall, so i've tried my hand at rewriting it. please comment if you like it or have any constructive criticism! im not a great writer so tips are good :)

"“It was all for the games,” Peeta says. “How you acted.”

“Not all of it,” I say, tightly holding on to my flowers.

“Then how much? No, forget that. I guess the real question is, what’s going to be left when we get home?” he says.

“I don’t know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get,” I say. He waits, for further explanation, but none’s forthcoming.

“Well, let me know when you work it out,” he says, and the pain in his voice is palpable." 

\- The Hunger Games, chapter 27

I hear him trudging back to the train, his footsteps ringing in my ears. He is halfway back towards the train when I finally find my voice.

“You’re not being fair!”

He stops again, still facing away from me, as I search for the words I need.

“I was doing everything I could to _stay alive_ , to keep _both_ of us alive! When was I supposed to figure out how I feel? Before the Games, when I didn’t know what was real and what was strategy, when caring about you was dangerous because one of us had to die and I had to get home to Prim?” My chest is heaving, as I am overcome with everything at once. “When you were with the Careers and I didn’t know why? When you were dying, and I had no idea how to save you? When we were both fighting for our lives? I don’t know if you’ve noticed Peeta, but it’s been kind of busy!”

He’s still facing away from me and suddenly I am gripped with fear that he will continue walking, leaving me alone.

“I’m sorry,” I choke out. “”I’m sorry. I don’t know how much was real but I do know that I care about you. I really would have rather died than kill you at the end. You’re my partner. I need you.”

To my embarrassment I feel my throat constricting with tears. I spin around so my back is to him, trying to hide the dampness in my eyes. With my reconstructed hearing I can hear Peeta’s footsteps behind me. His hand slips in mine.

“I’m sorry too,” he says. “You’re right, this isn’t fair. None of this is fair, but it’s not your fault. You and Haymitch did the impossible; you got both of us home.”

His hand squeezes mine and I let out a little sniffle. I wipe my nose on my nose on my sleeve as I think about what I need to say to him.

“I’ve never wanted to fall in love,” I finally blurt out. He opens his mouth to say something but I hold my hand up to stop him. “No, let me say this. You deserve to know, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to say it again.”

He nods, and I take a deep breath, collecting my thoughts.

“I saw what losing my father did to my mother. And love leads to marriage which leads to children, and children get reaped. So I _can’t_ get married. I _won’t_. And I don’t want you to end up hating me because I can’t love you like you want.”

Peeta is silent for a moment, then he turns to face me, eyes serious.

“Katniss, I’ll take whatever you can give me. We don’t need to be thinking about marriage and children yet. And if you never want to, that’s fine too. Just don’t shut me out because you’re scared of what might happen.”

“I’ll try,” I promise, because that’s the best I can offer him.

We stand together, holding hands, until the train whistle calls us back.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if the ending is rather abrupt, i couldnt work out how to end it and would rather just post it as it is than let it sit gathering dust in my folders.  
> i'd love to write more of this verse, but ive worked out im terrible at long fics and should just post what little i write when i write it.  
> the idea wasnt that peeta and katniss immediately begin a romantic relationship (ive seen several fics like that, which are good! but not what i was going for), but more to allow them to keep exploring that space. i think katniss is very aro-spec, and she needs to learn how to love peeta without the pressure of romance involved. its clear in the book she does love him, but the rest of the world trying to frame it as romantic love messes with her. i'd love to write more on this but my skills just arent there yet!  
> i might try and write something else small in this series though, with haymitch sitting peeta and katniss down and explaining their futures as victors and mentors. maybe i'll title the series "scenes that should have happened".  
> anyway thanks for reading!


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